


Silence

by ashleesheeran



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Multi, Multiple Personalities, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 05:42:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1846477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashleesheeran/pseuds/ashleesheeran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some would definitely call me insane. Some may call me confused. But I know and I have always known it's better to keep the crazy silent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One - All Our Bruised Bodies and the Whole Heart Shrinks

HARRY POV

"Hey, hey, easy now. I still have feelings too." I smirked and continued to be tossed around by the guards.

"Ha, as if we'd care for your feelings, Styles," retorted one of the guards. I rolled my eyes and laughed. These pricks were nothing to me, just slaves to this asylum. Oh sorry, mental institute. The head of this shithole just hates it being called an asylum. To me, it was a prison which seemed more as a home now.

"Get in your room." The guards threw me into my bedroom, locking down the door.

"Insane little prick." I heard one of them mumble outside the door. I loved insults. I smiled and laid down on my bed, sighing.

I guess I haven't always been this way. I've had problems deciding who I am, yes but that means nothing. I used to be somewhat happy, but my personalities change pretty quick.

It started out when I was just a small child. My sister annoyed me. Well, she still does. I smacked her head into the table because she used my stuff. She knew better yet I was punished.

It was until last year I was okay with her. She tried to go away, to some shitty college in America. I couldn't let that happen. She had to stay. I kept her locked down in our basement and I hit her for trying to leave. My mom thought she left, but little did she know her son was hiding her in their own basement.

I was caught, unfortunately. Thought that I was insane and threw me in here like a piece of trash. I can't blame them. I knew since I was little there was something wrong with me. There will always be something wrong with me.

And I like the idea of it.

\--

"Wakey wakey." I opened my eyes to see a guard shaking me to wake me up. I obliged and sat up. This was a morning routine for me, just a different person each day.

Each day I was a different person or personality. The doctor likes to call it "multiple personality disorder". Good right? Another disorder is just another problem that went wrong in my life. So much has gone wrong in my past that I lost count of how many times that it fucked up to make it the person or people I am today.

I took the pills the guard had handed me and swallowed them dry and tossed the cup to him.

"Do.. you mind leaving so I can change?" He sighed and nodded while walking himself out the door. I have a room to myself, as usually each patient usually shares a room with another. I lost the last person who was sharing my room. Just a nice girl who I saw die in front of me. She had commit suicide; tied the sheets around her neck and tied it to the ceiling.

The worst part being that I found her. She was closing her eyes as soon as I came in. She died there before I could even get her down.

She was a good person, friendly to everyone but a danger to herself like me. She was so nice to everyone but herself. What a shame that a beautiful person could hate themselves so much.

I could say I loved her at a point. She was one of my only friends here. But I've learned now to not trust anyone. They'll just leave you.

I walked over to my drawers and pulled out a sweatshirt and jeans. We're allowed to have some clothes, but they don't "recommend" having lots of clothing with a patient for it might somehow disturb them.

I find the whole system weird, they think that someone would used something so simple to hurt themselves. I've tried many things, but it doesn't mean everyone will.

I dressed in the clothes and threw the ones I was wearing in a basket that would be taken to a laundry room sooner or later. I sat back down on the bed and pulled an iPod from under the mattress along with a pair of headphones. They usually don't allow electronics but they didn't find this while searching my bags when I first got here. I put one of the headphones in and tapped on the first song.   
'La Dispute - All Our Bruised Bodies and Whole Heart Shrinks'

_So now tell me how your story goes._

_Have you ever suffered?_

_If so, did you get better or have you never quite recovered from it?_

_Did you find your lover laying in your bedroom with another and then_   
_Did you let it hover over you and everything else well after the fact?_

_Show me all your bruises._

_I know everybody wears them._

_They broadcast the pain-how you hurt, how you reacted._

_Did cancer take your child?_

_Did your father have a heart attack?_

_Have you had a moment forced the whole heart to grow or retract?_

_Or just shrink._

_Does the heart shrink?_

_Tell me everything._

_Tell me everything you know._

_Were you told as a child how cruel the whole world can be?_

_Did anybody ever tell you that?_

_Tell me what your purpose is?_

_Who it was that put you here and why?_

_Did anybody really put you here at all?_

I heard a knock at the door and took the headphone out and hid the iPod in my sleeve.

"Mr. Styles? Are you decent?" I noticed the voice as the secretary who sat at the front desk. She opened the door slightly and repeated my name.

"Come in." She smiled while walking into the room with a bag in her hand and a boy behind her.

"It looks like you have a new roommate," she started. "This is Louis, he is obviously new and will be staying in your room. Is that alright with you, Harold?"

I nodded and looked over to the boy. His frame was skinny and as the looks from the height I was at he was about the same height as me. His expression on his face looked unreadable; just in between sad and trying to be happy.

"if you need anything Louis it am always at the desk and there are nurses all around to help." She then looked over to me. "Be nice, alright?" I rolled my eyes and nodded again as she left the room.

I looked back over to the boy who sat down on his bed. He looked more sad than he did when the secretary was in the room.

"You alright?" I questioned him. He just shook his head and I left him be and put the headphones back in and resumed the song and tried to fall back to sleep.

_And what of those necessities?_

_Like how to cope with tragedy and pain?_

_Did anybody ever show you how?_

_When it hits will my heart burst or break or grow strong?_

_Is there really only one way to know now?_

_I'm not sure if I'm ready yet to find out the hard way_

_How strong I am._

_What I'm made of._

_I'm not sure if I'm ready yet to walk through the fire._

_I'm not sure I can handle it._

_Do you think if the heart keeps on shrinking_

_One day there will be no heart at all?_

_And how long does it take?_

_Am I better off just bursting or breaking?_

_Because I don't see my heart getting strong._

_Tell your stories to me._

_Show your bruises._

_Let's see what humanity is capable of handling._

_She lost her kid, only seven, to cancer._   
_She answered with faith in her god and carried on._

_While he was attacked by his son and was stabbed in his stomach and his back and his arms._

_He showed me scars._

_82 years old, told me,_

_"I still have my daughter and my wife. And I still have My life and my son."_

I looked back over to 'Louis' and he was shaking and crying. First day jitters, I presume. Probably saying to himself " _I don't belong here. I'm fine."_ Not everyone here actually needs it. Maybe he doesn't belong here, maybe he does. I'm not one to judge.

_Tell me what your worst fears are._

_I bet they look a lot like mine._

_Tell me what you think about when you can't fall asleep at night._

_Tell me that you're struggling._

_Tell me that you're scared._

_No,Tell me that you're terrified of life._

_Tell me that it's difficult to not think of death sometimes._

_Tell me how you lost. Tell me how he left._

_Tell me how she left._

_Tell me how you lost everything that you had._

_Tell me that it ain't ever coming back._

_Tell me about God. Tell me about love._

_Tell me that it's all of the above._

_Say you think of everything in fear._

_I bet you're not the only one does._

_Everyone in the world comes at some point to suffering._

_I wonder when I will._

_I wonder._

_Everyone is out searching for someone or something._

_I wonder what I'll find._

_I wonder._


	2. Chapter Two - Such Small Hands

LOUIS POV

_"Kill yourself! No one loves you anyways."_   
_"No one cares."_   
_"Fat."_   
_"Faggot."_   
_"Queer."_   
_"Worthless."_   
_"Unloved."_

Those are just a few things my mind says about me. My head is my own bully, and I allow it to happen. I lay my head on the cold wall, tears still streaming down my face.

" _Do it."_

I stared at the razor sitting on my nightstand. I use that everyday, but now it seems repulsive. It seemed disgusting.   
  
 _"Grab it. Kill yourself. Everyone would be happier without you."_

I gave in. He or it was right. Everyone would be happier. I am a gross, worthless, piece of shit and I didn't deserve to be living.

I grabbed the razor and pressed it against my skin with as much force as I could. I felt my skin rip open and I screamed. I dragged it down, my face burning from the tears that came back.

_"It doesn't hurt you. You love it."_

I dropped the razor onto my bed. Blood poured out of the gash, running down myarm and onto my clothes and my bed. My head started to get fuzzy as I heard the door open along with screaming. I felt someone grab me but after that everything went black.

_"About time."_

_\--_

I woke up to the sounds of beeping and an aching body. I blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the bright lights of the hospital room. I stared at the machines attached to me. I felt dead, but here I was; breathing air I wasn't supposed to.

"Mr. Tomlinson, I see you've woken up." A tall man came through the door holding a clipboard in his hand.

"How do you feel?" I shook my head and tried to smile but I felt all the muscles in my body tense. "Like shit." Better to be honest, I guess. He nodded and headed for the door but stopped.

"There's someone who would like to see you." He exited the room while someone entered. My mum. She looked at me so broken, obviously crying for hours probably. She looked ragged; makeup everywhere, still in the clothes from the day before.

"L-louis?" I could see it took her a while to spit out my name. Not surprised. I tried to make the nicest tone but my voice cracked while trying to respond. "W..what?" I honestly didnt know what would come out of this conversation, probably just an extended hospital stay and therapy. Usually what parents have their children do after something like this.

"Why'd you do it?" She straightened out her voice and cleared her throat. I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to her. Am I supposed to tell the truth or tell her the usual 'I don't know'?

"Louis, speak to me. Please." I snapped out of whatever I was in and sighed. No point in lying now.

"I hear things. Not like cladders or bangs around me, I hear a voice in my head that tells me what to do, what I am. And out of it, I've realised I'm a worthless, good for nothing waste of space. I don't deserve to be breathing right now, I should be dead and the voice will taunt me until I die and that was my chance to escape from it. Why did you find me? I'm just going to cause more pain alive than dead. Why." Her face fell flat from expression, and started to sob again. I rolled my eyes. I don't need her sympathy. 

After a few minutes, she managed to say a few words that i barely managed to make out through the tears. "Y-you need h..help." I sighed and played with the bandage on my arm. "That's quite obvious, mum." 

"N-no, you're going to a.. treatment center. To h-help you.." and with that she broke down again. A treatment center? Does she mean like a mental hospital or what? "What do you mean? Can I talk to the doctor guy?" Atleast I'll be able to understand him better. She nodded and got out of the chair she was sitting on and went halfway out the door and motioned him to come over. He walked calmly ovr to the room and greeted up with a smile. 

"Is there a problem, Mr. Tomlinson?" Well yeah it's a problem. I almost died and I can't understand a word my mum is even saying. "Yeah, my mum says that I'll be going to another hospital. What does she mean?" He sighed and smiled sadly. "Well we have done some thinking and Ms. Tomlinson bekieves that you'd do better in a treatment center. To help with any disorders and to make sure you don't try this again." He paused to allow me to take in the information and started again.

"You'll stay here today and will be transferred tomorrow to the other hospital. You'll be engaged in therapy and tests, nut do't worry, it's to help you get back on track." A mental hospital. They're sending me to a mental hospital and I get no say in it.

"How long will I stay there?" The quicker I get out of there, the better. "Until we feel like you are mentally and physically stable." I nodded and tried to think of ways to get out of there quicker. I'm not insane, I just wanted to die. Some could call it insanity but i call it logical, if you had the mind like mine.

"We'll leave you to rest for the day. Tomorrow you'll be moving around more, it's better to be well rested and undisturbed." After the doctor and my mum whispered a few things to each other and exited the room. This is all stupid. They'll treat me like I'm a disease, that the slightest thing will trigger me. It doesn't work like that. I do what my mind says and thats the way it has always been and probably always wil be until I die. 

I could tell this would take a long time to recover.

\--

"Tomlinson, Louis?" I nodded. "That's me." The lady at the desk was quite nice, probably in her 30's or so. "Welcome to Cheshire State Treatment Center." She smiled and got up from her desk. "We have to get you your wristbands for identification. Just step over here and we'll get those set up. You'll have one tagged with your name, just a basic white one, then a red one along with a blue one. Each wristband repesents different problems and helps us help you." She seems a little too cheery to work in a mental asylum. I thought of it as gloomy and depressing but its somewhat opposing my ideas of it. 

She put the wrist tags on my arm, trying to be careful around my bandages on my arm. It's only been a few days, the gashes havent healed much and hurt like hell still. "We'll give you medication everyday and it is prescribed by the doctor who sent you here. He said it isn't much, but we think it'll be easy to get into routine of taking it everyday." She walked me down a hallway and the place was scary to me. Not like those dirty, gross abandoned asylums you see on horror shows, but it was clean everywhere. Very sterile and bright which could make you sick from the fumes of cleaner. 

_"Why haven't you died yet? I told you that everyone didn't want you here."_

_  
_I shut my eyes and breathed in deeply a few times before stopping at a dark, wooden door labeled with the number "056". The secretary knocked on the door and opened it a little, probably checking if the room was clear. "Mr. Styles, are you decent?" Mr. Styles? Is that another patient? I didn't know that I was sharing a room. I thought that I'd get a little privacy atleast.

"Come in." A deep voice answered from the inside of the room and she stepped in and i slowly followed.

_"Oh, who's that? Another person who hates you? Probably. No one likes a pathetic cutter."_

I didn't need this. Not now. 

_"I'm just telling you the truth. I'm your only friend, remember? You'll never get rid of me."_

"This is Louis, he is obviously new and will be staying in your room. Is that alright with you, Harold?" I snapped out of my mind and looked up at the mention of my name. Harold? Harold Styles. I looked around the room,  trying not to keep eye contact with anyone. I was on the verge of tears, I didn't need anyone seeing.

"If you need anything Louis it am always at the desk and there are nurses all around to help." I nodded and I actually didn't know what she said. I was looking down at the ground and took my bag out of her hand and set it on the bed as she whispered something to the other boy. I sat down on the bed and closed my eyes and kept them shut tightly to fight the tears as she left. 

"You alright?" I just shook my head. Not like I had anything to hide. The secretary was gone and I broke down I looked over to Harold and he had a pair of headphones in and I decided not to disturb his and tried to stay silent. I don't need this. Everything will just get worse.


	3. Chapter Three - Lonely

HARRY POV

I woke up from my deep sleep from something tugging on my headphones causing them to fall out. I looked up, eyes still not adjusted to the lights, seeing a blur of a person. "Hello?"

The person whimpered, and I could tell it was my new roommate. "Louis?" He sat at the end of my bed and he was still crying from earlier. I checked the time on my iPod. It was only 6 pm, so i havent slept forever. "Whats wrong?" He looked over to me, his eyes red and puffy. "I-I'm sorry to wake you.. I just got kind of lonely.." Weird, but okay.

"You know theres  a common room, where theres other patients that you can talk to? They don't bite. Well some do but they are still quite friendly." I sat up from the bed, stretching my arms. "I-I'm really sorry I didn't mean-" "Dude it's fine.  Stop apolligizing." From looking at his wrist tags, he was in for suicide and depression. I've learned the colors after a while, usually from asking people what their tags meant. I had an orange tag, purple tag, and a red tag. The got pretty specific with the tags, each patient having one or several like me. If you had too many, they just made a multicolored tag so you wouldnt have wristbands all the way up your arm.

"So your in here for suicide?" I like to know whay each person is in here for. If they actually need treatment or are mooching off the staff member here. "How did you know?" I held up my wrist and pointed to the tags. He just nodded and looked down at his. He had a short sleeve on, and I could see various scars on both of his arms except on his right arm he had a bandage wrapped around most of his forearm. 

"Is that how you tried?" He nodded and touched the bandage and winced. "Probably not smart to touch an open wound. I mean, it may have stitches but its gonna hurt like a motherfucker for a while, with or without meds."

After a small pause, his voice straightened up and he was able to ask "Why are you in here?" I smiled lightly, trying to remember all the things I've done to force me in here. "Well, I've had multiple suicide attempts, at home and in here, I kept my sister hostage in my mums basement," I chuckled at my statement. How'd I do that for a month without my mom noticing. Oblivious people.

"Wow..." He was probably shocked, like every new person. 

"Oh and lets not forget my disorders." He sighed. "They suck." He smiled a little saying it and I looked at his smile. I liked it. His lips were pretty thin, just like him. But something about his smile was.. different. Not a bad different, but a good kind I guess.It was warming, but it didn't annoy me because thats how others happiness works against me. 

"They try to say I murdered her.. but I didn't. I would know if I killed my sister. Don't you think you'd remember killing a person? I wouldn't go that far." He gave me a sympathetic smile and I continued. "I loved her. That's why I kept her in the basement, I didn't want her to leave. She was my only friend. And since then, all the friends I've had have left me."

He was sitting in silence, processing what I said. "I could be your friend.. I won't leave. I tried the leave my life before, and I sure as hell won't try it again for a long while." I smiled at him and I brushed my curls out of my face. 

"Don't try it again, okay? I had a girl who was my friend, she commited suicide in this room. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want to lose another friend." He nodded and sighed. "I can't promise that I won't try when I'm out of here, but I'll try not to do it here."

"Good. Do you want to get some food? It's 6 right now and I'm guessing you havent ate anything since  "you got here." He nodded and stood up from the bed and I stood up behind him. He opened the door to our room and held it open for me, exiting down the hall. I stood next to him, directing him to the cafeteria. I went up the snack bar and grabbed some chips. I wasn't feeling too hungry. I led Louis to the line and he got some food from the ladies standing behind the counters. He got a few things, a sandwich and some chips. They usually make you take a fruit but they are probably leaning that basically no one eats the fruit and just throw it away. 

"Come over here." I directed him towards the table I always sit at, which Niall and Liam were sitting at. Nialls eyes beamed up Louis. "Hey!" Niall was always cheery and happy which used to get annoying but I got used to it. Louis offered a small wave, sitting down next to me. "Guys, this is Louis. He's  my new roommate." Liam smiled and waved and Niall did the same. 

Louis silently ate while Liam and Niall conversed over some stupid topic as usual. I looked at Louis the whole time, studing his movements. He was pretty fragile and touched things gently. I learned that he bit his lip a lot, which I found cute.

"Hazza?" Liams voice woke me up from the trance from Louis I was in. "Do you know what you did yesterday?" I shook my head. I forget what I do, mostly from being in different personalities a lot. "Well you threatened Zayn and they sent you to sleep." I laughed and Niall did too. "It was pretty great," Niall added. 

I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked over to Louis. "Can we go back to the room? I feel tired." I nodded and waved to the boys as Lou and I stood up and walked down our hall to our room. I usually make good friends with my roommates. Kind of strange, but it gives me more people to talk to.

When we got back to our room, he sat on his bed and brought his knees up to his chest. "Are you okay?" He slowly shook his head and I sat down next to him, rubbing circles into his back. "What is it?"  
  


"V-voices.." I frowned and tried to soothe him. "Don't listen to them, alright? The voices will try to hurt you." He shook his head again. "It's hard to not l-listen. They're right about me.. I'm worthless..." I pulled him up closer to me and pulled him into a tight hug. "It's okay.." I rocked him back and forth until I noticed he calmed down a little. It was weird. I never am so close to strangers. But it's something about him that makes me want to protect him. I heard soft little snores and I silently lifted myself off the bed and laid him down  and covered him up with the sheets. I walked over to my bed and pulled my iPod out. I couldn't sleep right now, I already slept half of the day. 

\--

"Styles, wake up." The same guy who woke me up yesterday woke me up again today. He saw my iPod and almost took it, but I find my ways to bribe people around here. I took the pills on my nightstand and looked over to the other bed which was occupied. Oh yeah, I forgot about Louis. 

He was sitting up in his bed with a cup of water and he swallowed the pills with it and scowled a bit. "You'll get used to it. I swallow them dry now." He coughed a little, probably because every pill here tastes of chemicals and death, like they clean the pills with disinfectant before they give them to patients. I don't really care anymore though, it's just killing us quicker. 

"Is it alright if I call you Harry?" I looked at him confused. "I mean, I heard the secretary call you Harold and one of your friends called you Hazza so I just thought Harry would be alright. Is it?" I nodded. "I have many names and nicknames and Harry is the one I like most." He smiled lightly and brushed his hair out of his face and I noticed his bag which was kicked on the floor. "You still haven't unpacked." He looked over to the bag and shrugged. "I'm a lazy person." I shook my head and got off my bed and put the bag on his bed. "I like to organize, so this will be fun for me." He sat on the bed and watched me unpack his things into his drawers.

I picked up a pair of his underwear and smirked. "American Apparel?" He giggled and his cheeks were blushing slightly. "Gotta have nice underwear." I folded the rest of his clothes and set them in the drawers, flopping down on his bed afterwards. "Organizing is tiring." 

I rolled over onto my back and i stared up at Louis. He was honestly beautiful. His small features, his feathery hair (yes it looked very soft.), his tattoos with probably no meaning. Just everything about him made me happy. I'm not used to it, but I like it.

I sat up at stared into Louis' eyes. They were a beautiful shade of blue, kind of hypnotizing. His eyes didn't give off a cold feeling. They gave off a loving feel, which is weird to say from a pair of eyes. 

Next thing I knew I leaned in and planted my lips on his. I don't know what made me do it, but in the few seconds his lips were against mine, I swore I felt him kiss back. I pulled back,  and I looked at him. He looked confused but between the both of us I was the most confused. Why did I do that? "I.. I'm sorry." I got off the bed and ran out of the room and down the hall.

\-- 

LOUIS POV

What the hell just happened? I remember looking at Harry and he just.. kissed me. I am beyond confused. He's not gay, is he? No. He is too perfect to be. Is he?

_"No one likes a faggot."_

I sighed and rolled my eyes in annoyance. "Now isn't the time."

_"What are you talking about? It's always the time!"_

_  
_"Urgh just fuck off for a second." I stood up from the bed and exited the room. I need to find Harry and see what that was about. I checked the cafeteria, the bathrooms, everywhere. Except the library.

The library was literally across the building. It was pretty much isolated from any of the patient rooms and it was a pretty big place. It made me wonder if it was it's own library at a point. Wait. Was that crying?

I looked around the room and my eyes landed on a room. A room with a small glass window that was mirrored  in the front. I slowly opened the door, hoping it was Haz and not some random patient. The room was dark and empty, along with a boy huddled in the corner. "Harry? It's me, Lou. Are you alright?"

Harrys eyes were overflowing with tears, his eyes puffy. I knealt down and put my arm around his torso. "Shh.. It's okay." He shook his head. "No it's not. I destroyed our friendship... I'm sorry." He broke down again, burying his face in his palms. "No Haz, you didn't destroy our friendship.. it's okay. We're okay." He looked up at me and layed his head against my chest. I ran a hand through his hair, playing with his soft curls. I smiled and kissed the top of his head. "And for the record Harry,"

"I liked the kiss." He looked up at me, his tears drying on his cheeks. "Yeah." He weakly smiled at me, putting his head back down. "I liked it too." I waited a minute before responding. "Do you think we should date?"

He shrugged and cuddled into my chest more. "I usually don't date strangers I met yesterday but something about you tells me we should." I nodded and laid my head against the wall. "I guess that makes us a couple."

_"You wish."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOO SUSPENSE. 
> 
> So I thought that was a decent way to end the chapter, so here it is! I've been uploading pictures that i find the characters looking like in the story. They always look different so I chose a few diferent pictures. I use a picture each chapter, fyi. 
> 
> I will be updating regularly, so far I have uploaded parts 1 and 2 on the same day and this a day after. I kind of want to update everyday but I've ben lucky the past few days and have gotten to lay in bed and write. I update each week, and I might start uploading every Thursday or Friday. 
> 
> Anyways I hope you've enjoyed the story so far! Another update will come in the next few days. 
> 
> Ashley xx


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